By Meghan McCarthy
I vividly remember the day Olivia (Liv) Hall became my best friend. We sat together on the bus ride home from a high school field trip, chatting about everything and nothing. Up until then, our friendship had grown through shared struggles in AP European History, staying after school for clubs, and taking photos at the annual Fall Ball. While I cherish those memories, they weren’t what truly bonded us. What brought us closer was something much deeper: our shared experiences as caregivers for our grandparents with dementia.
Since that moment, Liv and I have been inseparable. We graduated high school together, attended Villanova University as roommates, and volunteered side by side. In our postgraduate era, we plan seasonal trips and connect daily over FaceTime.
Looking back, Olivia went from being a dear friend to a best friend when she shared her caregiving story.
Nearly ten years later, it’s a privilege to share it with the Penn Memory Center (PMC) community.
Getting to know Mommom
Growing up, Liv was incredibly close to her paternal grandmother, Nora Carmel Hall, whom she lovingly called “Mommom.” A sensible, nurturing woman with a sharp sense of humor, Mommom immigrated to the United States from Glenora, Ireland, in her late twenties. After working as a nanny, she became a stay-at-home mom for her two sons.
Mommom was the heart of the Hall family.
“Mommom was born in the late 1920s in Glenulra, Ireland,” Liv said with admiration. “Honestly, that’s the best way to sum her up. Think of a rural, older Irish woman. That was Mommom to a tee. She helped raise me. She was a caregiver in her own right.”
At the age of 10, Liv began noticing signs of Mommom’s dementia, although her symptoms likely began years prior.
“As a kid, it seemed like a quick transition from mild forgetfulness about making dinner to forgetting us,” Liv reflected. “When you’re 10 years old and your grandma doesn’t remember your name, that is difficult.”
Embracing the Role of Caregiver
For much of her life, Mommom lived independently after losing her husband in her sixties. As her health declined, Liv’s father became Mommom’s primary caregiver, visiting daily to help with meals, personal care, and maintaining the home.
“Not a lot of people talk about sons being caretakers,” Liv joked casually. “But they can do a really great job. My dad did an excellent job with his mom, and he loved taking care of her.”
Around two years after her diagnosis, Mommom transitioned to living in a dementia-focused nursing wing and lived there for nearly eight years.
“Once she settled in, we loved the staff,” Liv recalled fondly. “They knew her so well and took amazing care of her. It ended up being the perfect place for her.”
During that period, Liv and her family visited Mommom multiple times a week, ensuring she lived a love-filled life. Liv and her sister, Lexie, became pivotal members of Mommom’s care team. After school, they would spend hours by her side, running errands, bringing fresh clothes, and listening to her stories.
It was a role that Liv embraced wholeheartedly.
“It was really rewarding to be able to take care of her,” Liv stated. “I learned what it means to get older. It doesn’t have to be something to fear. You can have an amazing life in your senior years.”
One of Mommom’s symptoms of dementia was fixating on memories from her early twenties. For her, having Liv and Lexie was not only energizing, but renewed her young spirit. Their assumed responsibility also lessened stress for their parents.
The Challenges of Caregiving as a Grandchild
As someone whose grandfather had dementia, I can relate to the perspective and life lessons that caregiving provides to grandchildren involved. It truly is a gift to learn and care for our elders. While caregiving brought immense rewards, it wasn’t without its challenges.
“I often went home crying from the nursing home,” Liv admitted. “I would tell my mom that Mommom didn’t eat anything that day, and there was stress associated with that. It can be really disheartening and frustrating, especially when you are a teenager.”
Balancing caregiving with schoolwork was another struggle.
“It can be exhausting because you want to be with your person as much as humanly possible, but you still have to take care of school,” Liv expressed. “As her dementia was more advanced, every single visit was a blessing because we didn’t know when it was going to be her last. Anytime I felt frustrated, I remembered I needed to just be appreciating the current moment.”
In 2019, Mommom peacefully passed away. She was 94 years old.
For Liv, it was a bittersweet experience. While her loss was devastating, she was grateful for the time she had to prepare and say goodbye. One of her most cherished keepsakes is a collection of voice recordings of Mommom’s stories.
“It’s stuff like that that really makes your time feel so valuable,” Liv shared. “In grief-stricken moments after she passed, I can go back and still listen to her voice.”
A Lasting Legacy
This fall, Liv and Lexie traveled to Glenurla in Ballycastle, County Mayo, Ireland, to reconnect with their family’s roots. The trip was an emotional homecoming, filled with stories and memories of Mommom.
“It was so rewarding that we got to hear about Glenurla from Mommom’s perspective and then we got to see it through our own eyes,” Liv said with a twinkle. “It was just such a humbling and incredibly experience to be there.”
Caregiving left a profound impact on Liv, shaping her communication skills and personal growth. A shy child with social anxiety, Liv found confidence through her conversations with Mommom, learning how to connect and engage with others.
“I also learned the importance of letting yourself rely on others,” Liv reflected. “I’m not the most open person, but I shared a lot of what I was going through with you, which is not something I had done before. It really let me know it’s okay to share hardships with the people around you. That can really help to lighten and alleviate the load.”
Hearing Liv say that brought me back to our bus ride all those years ago. It’s a sentiment that I not only agree with but cherish in our friendship.
For Liv and me, caregiving taught us that aging with dementia can be a beautiful process. It is a gift that has not only bonded us as friends but changed our outlooks on life.
“You can have an amazing life with dementia and be blessed with time with your family,” Liv said with a smile. “My biggest takeaway was just the humility of getting to care for my Mommom. It was the greatest honor and privilege of my life.”